February Fever Fades

As the first day of play drew to a close, the field resembled more a battleground from Asterix where the Goths, Romans, Gauls, Helvetians and many more battle each other, little knowing who is hurting, or helping, whom.

With the pitch expected to worsen over the last two sessions, we can confidently expect Madness in March, Antics in April, Mayhem in May and God only knows what later on. But for now, even with a couple of hours of play left, troops have been withdrawn and strategies being reworked.

While there were a number of casualties, Congress easily claimed the Biggest Loser's award. It seemed as if the party and its members were hell-bent on disproving the adage that “in shooting much depends on who is at which end.”

The Congress has also learnt that if you sleep with the dogs you’ll get up with fleas, which once they see another fat cat will behave like rats deserting a sinking ship.

We can be pretty sure that there will be U-turns aplenty. Even as the present regime brought out Nirodh to control the population explosion, VHP leader Ashok Singhal sounded a clarion call for Hindus to go forth and multiply.

Exercised by what he felt was a slower growth rate in Hindu population than Christians and Muslims he asked Hindu families to “produce at least five children”.

Much like Rahul lowering the bar on political knowledge every time he opens his mouth, the BJP too has lowered its sights by declaring a ‘Mission 272’. There are 545 seats that will be fought for, in case you were wondering.

Tamil Nadu Chief Minister J Jayalalithaa celebrated her 66^th birthday and the state went nuts as AIADMK functionaries vied for her attention with ads, hoardings and banners. One ad in particular drew notice claiming that she was a “Guinness record holder.” Which was quite hard as it came a day after the last survivor of the Holocaust died at the age of 108.

Despite the rupee staying stable at 61-62 against the dollar, the idea of gold as a currency has been gaining … well currency, though we were warned that imports may fall to 500-550 tonnes next year and smuggling could rise.

Reports have already begun on the smuggling front, with one African lady “held for smuggling gold in her underwear.” Gold, now selling at around Rs. 30,000 per 10 grams, fascinated one enterprising lad. He went to work, swiped 20 sovereigns off his boss and went on a party.

Unfortunately, he left too many clues, thanks to which a four member police team from Madras had the pleasure of going to Goa where they nabbed the culprit and his associate sun-bathing on a beach.

The city cops are, however, disappointed with their lot. Their shoes, which weigh close to a kilo, are mostly made in the Trichy prison. What has made them disgruntled is that their Mumbai brethren are enjoying the joys of designer furniture, especially chairs, made by convicts in Thane prison.

The convicts also make gift items like leather goods and pens, tables, rifle stands and wall hangings. The popularity of the teak furniture has left a huge demand-supply gap.

One man took advantage of our focus on the political loonies. Prabakar Sathya Kumar, of Orathur village in Tiruvallur district, claimed that he was an employee of the Madras High Court for 35 years, was closely associated with several judges and went on to “sell” jobs in court to more than 180 people.

He issued ‘appointment orders,’ signed and sealed. Charging Rs 1.50 lakhs for sweepers, Rs 2 lakhs for office assistants and Rs 3 to Rs 4 lakhs for clerks, he collected over Rs 4 crores and is now absconding.

Coins On A Roll

I doubt if 15 minutes would be enough to digest the enormity of this move's significance. We are unsure whether to mock or to welcome this latest brainchild of some babu.

First the news: "Thanks to the initiative by Reserve Bank of India and the  banks across the country, the city will soon be having 65 coin vending machines (CVMs) at various bank branches.

A senior RBI official said that the move by the banks is expected to gain popularity with the public looking for CVMs the way they look for ATMs.

Coins will be available in denominations of Rs.1, Rs.2, Rs.5 and Rs.10. Bankers say two or three denominations of coins will be dispensed. The maximum limit for using the coin vending machines is Rs.100."

The question that most of us are asking is what to do after collecting the coins. You can may be pay the the bus fare but not bills in grocery stores, electricity boards or even property tax offices.

We are puzzled. It would be fair to say that we are even chagrined.

Recently an old lady, seeking alms on Mount Road, flung back a one rupee coin at an out of town driver, saying "If you have money to drive a car you should have money to have notes and not coins."

A foreign bank, Standard Chartered, has also joined the initiative, though it is very doubtful whether its CVMs will be used by its clientele, most of whom form the new middle class, while the others are merely the idle rich.

And here's a "Rock and The Roll" song Madras style:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56vqU9lnxF8&list=PLLonEXKwxFKJV6tDd90RxvOG8xmHZlVDg

Ghosts Of Errors Past

Much like Macbeth on seeing Banquo’s ghost, Indians - prominent and ordinary - were shocked by the return of issues they had thought were buried and done with.

Finance Minister P Chidambaram was among those hit hard. He had just completed giving a budget during which he patted his back so hard he dislocated a shoulder. “It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. He went on and on when a simple apology was all that was required,” said one analyst.

Much like Townshend and Daltrey, PC has been replacing Rahul Gandhi as the Congress frontman. And in that role he had had a sharp exchange with BJP chief Narendra Modi, who had said that country needed “hard working people not Harvard educated.”

PC’s counter came out totally wrong, when he said “We don’t need hard working or hard hearted people.” He had to recall his mother’s name and encouragement in his bid to escape censure.

Modi too was affected. Not content with having made his point he picked on that harp once too often. Why is he making fools out of you, he asked which lost something in translation reading: “Why is he calling you owls?” Offended owls glared mournfully and asked: Who, us?

Even as the nation was witnessing the tumultuous birth of its 29^th state, a thoroughly miffed Arvind Kejriwal tried to regain the spotlight. Fresh details emerged on AK 49, as he is known now after starring in a 49 day drama that was so off Broadway that it was in Delhi.

Purported to be a champion of the Right to Information Act, AK 49 stonewalled requests for information on several key decisions he had taken. Requests for information on cabinet decisions were forwarded to the fire service, Delhi Metro Rail Corporation and Delhi Urban Shelter Improvement Board.

Then came the disclosure that his party AAP would take support from khaps for the upcoming elections. Khaps, in case you didn’t know, are local councils and have been in the news for a couple of horror stories regarding ‘sanctioned” rape and brutality.

AK’s partner on stage ex-Delhi Law Minister Somnath Bharti's past caught up with him as well. One journalist revealed that Bharti was one of the world's worst spammers as well as being associated with a company involved in selling pornographic domain names.

Such revelations may have had a hand in seeing contributions to AAP declining with its NRI appeal most significantly hit.

A major shock was waiting for civil servants who had been expecting to join political parties in keeping with the trend set by former superiors and colleagues. The government is now dusting off the once rejected idea of imposing a compulsory ‘cooling-off’ period for bureaucrats joining politics.

Only recently a similar move to stop babus’ flow into corporate houses had been thwarted, thus leaving the retirees at least one way open to garner fame and fortunes.

This could be quite hard on CBI boss Ranjit Sinha, who seemed to have been preparing for a change in the country's rulers. Recently, he had just come out against the Centre over the notorious Ishrat Jahan fake encounter case. He may now have to reconsider his retirement options.

However, the most distressing (or welcome) return was that of the public sector and quite possibly the Communist doctrine. The Tamil Nadu Government has recently increased its involvement in fields other than … well governance.

Involvement in sales of liquor, mining, restaurants, public transport has now been enhanced. Amma theatres may soon join the Amma buses, hotels and may even go to an Amma hospital. Chennai saw a building constructed for the Legislative Assembly being turned into a super speciality hospital.

Possibly the only time in world history where bureaucracy has been transformed into a tangible asset.

Sports, meanwhile, has been seeing the strange involvement of the NBA’s bid to garner hoopsters here. Though the average Indian’s height has increased, pickings will be pretty slim, considering the growth has been from 5'3" to 5'6".

New Heights In Plumbing Record Lows

February 2014 will be known for the new heights India scaled in plumbing record lows, pardon the mixed metaphors. Chaos in Parliament, a very poor Budget, assassins set free … every which way we turned, chaos and confusion ruled.

Each day we were told: a record low in a democracy. But these commentators forget they are talking about India.

Much the same has been said for a long time. Emergency, Bhopal, Babri Masjid, Godhra – each a shorthand for a record low. Yet we have plumbed deeper levels and will continue to do so.

The creation of India’s 29^th state, Telengana, turned out to be a highly charged affair. First one MP tried to Mace his colleagues. In the Rajya Sabha, the House of Elders, one worthy attempted a choke slam on the Chairman even as we all watched it live.

Just a few hours earlier, the same issue had rocked Lok Sabha. But we will never know the details. The editor in charge of TV coverage mirrored the late Rajaji’s feelings when he was writing about the outrage forced on Draupadi. “My hand trembles at the very thought of the atrocity about to happen,” he said as the scene unfolds on one of that vilest of deeds.

But unlike that great man who went on to record the details, this editor lost his nerve and turned off the cameras. So what happened there we’ll never know, except the fact that there was some pretty stirring stuff.

The 15^th parliament will also go down in history as the one with the worst performance. The economy has been left in a shambles, a state sponsored partition, dubious records on corruption levels - the past ten years have been pretty rough. 

But India, as we all know, has the remarkable ability to bounce back and the next ten years are bound to see these records outperformed.

The only person who appeared to enhance his persona was the Prime Minster, Manmohan Singh. His declaration of India’s 29^th state, Telengana, was done with an eerie calm. 

Eerie because there was one MP literally in his face. Inches away. And screaming to boot. Yet the PM carried on without batting an eyelid, his demeanour calm and voice even.

Makes you wonder whether there is more to the man than meets the eye. Others think so as well. Apparently, the US lavished its most expensive state dinner on Singh than on anybody else since 2009. Poets, prophets and PMs never seem to be fully appreciated in their own land.

India also became more dangerous for journalists, which may not be exactly a bad thing. With 13 messengers killed India became the fourth most dangerous place for journalists and marked as “mostly not free”. The recent controversy around Wendy Doniger and Penguin also brought to light that India was 131nd on the Press Freedom Index.

Indians had little luck overseas as well. Data showed "an exceptionally high mortality rate" in Qatar since 455 Indians had died in 2012 and 2013 while working for Qatar, the 2022 World Cup host. 

Human Rights Watch said the figures were "horrendous" and gave "an indication of an unfolding tragedy in Qatar".

A less troubled Indian embassy said the "overwhelming number" of deaths were due to natural causes, and remained “consistent in the last five years,” while Qatar insisted “there was nothing untoward” in these figures.

People of Madras had their fears confirmed when corporation data showed that 85% of the roads were of poor quality, something that all are reminded each time we take a bone jarring drive.

The only silver lining that one could see was in a report finding the key to long marriage. Adultery, said a study, could be the key to a happy marriage. "Outsourcing" areas of marriage such as sex to other suitors could make a relationship work in the long run, it said.

Considering India’s leadership status in the outsourcing field, some people have begun to perk up.

Bulls Of Bharata

We regularly come across the term O Bull of Bharata varsha while reading our epics, vedas and other material on ancient India. 

Generally used to address a king, warrior or someone with power, this term took on special significance as we learnt about prize bulls of present day India featured at the Progressive Punjab Agriculture Summit 2014 that just ended in Mohali.

Raju, a Murrah bull, has been valued at Rs 10 crores. His daily diet consists of 10 litres of milk, 3 kilos of curd and 10 kilos of feed. His regimen also includes a 6-km walk. 

Another bull named Yuvraj, with a Rs.2 crore price tag,  sleeps in an air-conditioned room. His daily diet includes 20 litres of milk, a bottle of country liquor, 5 kilos of apples and 5 kilos of feed.

Whether he would do better with the quaintly named "Indian Made Foreign Liquor", single malt, rum, brandy or rye is now open to debate.

Samuel Johnson once said that oats is “a grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.” Now someone has to come up with something similar regarding bulls and liquor.

Then there is Aalishaan, a horse which is pampered with shampoo baths regularly. What makes it special is not the shampoo but the fact that the horse's owner turned down a Chief Minister who offered Rs. 1.25 crores for it. The owner spends about Rs. 1000 a day on Aalishan.

This news came about the same time Mckinsey reported that to achieve a "modest standard of living" an individual needed Rs 1336 per month to fulfill his/her basic needs for food, energy, housing, drinking water, sanitation, health care, education and social security. The poverty line prescribed by the government is around Rs 870 per month per person.

According to the report 56% of the population lacks the means to meet essential needs as consumption level falls below Rs 1,336 per person per month or almost Rs 6,700 per month for a family of five. 

This translates to 680 million people whose consumption levels across both rural and urban area of the country fall short of this mark. 

In short it would have been better to have kine than kin.

The Secret Sorrows Of Rahul

The more I think of it, the more I feel Rahul Gandhi is a chap who is more to be pitied than censured.

From being a carefree power behind the throne he now looks like someone who has drunk the cup of life and finds a dead bug at the bottom.

This was the chap, who said shortly after his 43^rd birthday, "Poverty is just a state of mind” and that “if one possesses self-confidence, then one can overcome poverty".

And from stating “I am not averse to politics,” today he has to be grateful for any endorsement, even a “strip support” from actress Tanisha Singh, who taped his picture to cover her frontal assets.

To make things worse he has to hear us constantly misquote Mark Twain: “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

Yes. No doubt it is a dog’s life. The comparison to a dog is not odious. Indeed according to the Chinese zodiac, Rahul’s sign is the dog.

And according to that astrology, dogs are loyal but have trouble trusting others and are known for the occasional little white lies to make things go more smoothly. Sound familiar? Wait a bit.

Other features of this sign:

• -       trouble staying calm when an important issue is at stake
• -       very temperamental
• -       prone to mood swings
• -       irrational fears that turn into hurt feelings and
• -       prone to occasional grouchiness.

Now we come to India, which happens to be a Pig, the most generous and honourable sign of the Zodiac.

Pigs are:

• -       nice to a fault, possess impeccable manners and taste
• -       highly intelligent, forever studying and probing in their quest for greater knowledge
• -       inclined to be perceived as snobs or lazy, both misconceptions
• -       possessed of a truly luxurious nature, delighting in finery and riches
• -      unfortunately stomped on by others and yet will take the blows.

The two should make a grand match.

We now return to a Rahul who much like a champion boxer expecting a lightweight contender suddenly finds himself in a WWE Royal Rumble. He has been forced into to lowering his sights from a ‘could-be-PM’ to a ‘not-even-likely-Opposition Leader’. 

He has been driven to stake claim for his party ushering the IT revolution in India and ask the BJP to stop taking credit for it and to accuse the BJP of overlooking corruption in its own party.

Instead of calculating winnable seats on a state-wide basis, he is now forced to woo voters across the lines like women and ex-servicemen as well as try out increasingly novel steps like primaries in the 128-year-old Congress.

Things have come to such a pass that Rahul stopped his convoy and got down from his car to meet Dushyant, a class four student who was waving an NSUI flag, as he was leaving after an interaction with select students.

Speaking to reporters Dushyant said: “He asked me how are you? I replied I’m fine and then I told him you will become Prime Minister”.

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings, what?

Silver Linings

Despite the dark clouds that enveloped India late this week, with MPs using pepper spray and brandishing knives, there were many silver linings.

In fact a question that has vexed philosophers, psychiatrists and thinkers may very well be settled, thanks to a trenchant essay by a leading marketing and consumer insight expert.

The essayist charmingly admitted that a couple of logical links were missing and then listed a raft of designers - Tom Ford of Gucci, Cristóbal Balenciaga, Christian Dior and Yves Saint Laurent among others- all of whom were gay. Again admitting a lack of scientic research, she then posited a designer or gay gene.

If there is indeed a gay gene it will definitively answer the Nature vs Nurture debate. It may also lead to the establishment of celibacy as being hereditary.

While bomb blasts ravaged the world the past week, one bomber in Kovilapatti appears to have a social conscience. Peeved by the growing mounds of garbage, the unknown bomber blasted a trash can, in a bid to find a final solution.

But, bombs are not indiscriminate in spreading havoc. One designed to take out a Reliance supermarket in Madurai did not go off even after being ignited. This has enhanced the Ambanis’ prestige considerably.

The population problem has brought about Nirodh Redux. Now branded a luxury product, Nirodh is again in markets. Large and Extra-large sizes are not planned for the time being.

Poll fever has thoroughly gripped India and we are seeing a range of benefits. For one, Madras will get back pavements. All bus routes in the city will get redesigned wide, easy-to-access footpaths before the elections this year. Work on redesigned footpaths on 55 roads is under way.

In Tiruvannamalai 350 or so hermits have sought voter IDs as they want to participate this time around. How exactly this can be done is the question that has the region’s babus scratching their heads.

Good, honest work is also available for hosts of Indians with or without an education. Classes are being undertaken in the science of elections – like ballot stuffing, booth capturing, repeat votes, and so on. As a result, there is now a sudden infusion of cash, mostly in the Rs 500 and Rs 1000 denominations.

This may explain why the Indian Post Office, yes it is still here, has decided to enter the ATM business, though India’s biggest bank, SBI, recently said that this line was proving too costly and had low profit margins.

This could also be why the RBI has approved four non-banking firms to set up ATMs. Soon, Indian citizens without a bank account would be able to withdraw cash from an ATM with the help of mobile technology.

RBI on Wednesday approved the setting up of White Label ATMs in the country. We are not sure, yet, how this label will compare with the Red, Black and Blue Labels.

Many have obviously mistaken this as a clear shot at sudden riches. To be fair to them, such confusion was not singular. Obviously, taken up with a role he had recently done and impressed with the number of spy thrillers actor Akshay Kumar said: If I weren't an actor, I'd be a Defence Intelligence Agent.

A news story from Bosnia-Herzegovina had much of us amused. Apparently that country has been shaken by a wave of anti-government protests with “more than five thousand” taking to the streets in one town on Friday. Wonder what they would call rush hour traffic here.

The doom and gloom merchants have pointed out a report by the panel that probed the IPL scam, saying that corruption had spread on every level. The good news was that the same report has suggested that gambling be legalised, shortly before M A M Ramaswamy’s Marmaduke won the chief event of the races held here on Thursday.

Other highlights of the week were N Srinivasan cementing India’s position at the top of the ICC, his son-in-law being indicted for corruption and gambling and his brother N Ramachandran becoming the head of the Indian Olympic Association.Indian athletes can now compete under the tricolour as the previous IOA had been deemed too corrupt and India being banned from the International Olympic Committee. Go figure.

The weather strip on NDTV, once a path-breaker in TV journalism, irrespective of the time, day, week or month constantly shows Chennai at 21.7, Delhi at 19 and Jammu at 17.4, among other cities. Either they have figured out how to control climate or they just think that the viewer is just not going to give a damn.

Prisoners Of Conscience

The following links will take you to one of the sorriest stories of India. 

With the media howling non-stop on various issues you would think a woman who was brutalised by having stones shoved up her vagina and rectum would find some sympathy. 

But sadly no. 

The Chhattisgarh police claimed she fell in a bathroom.

Unless you guys knew what the subject was about you would've missed most of these reports that cover a time-spread of 2011-2014. 

You can read the brief here or check the links for a more complete version.

On Friday Supreme Court granted "permanent bail" (not freedom) to Prisoners of Conscience Soni Sori and Lingaram Kodopi who were under detention for over two years on false charges.

The Supreme Court granted bail to the duo more than two years after they were arrested on false charges levelled against them for criticising the human rights violations of security forces in Chhattisgarh.

Soni Sori was tortured while she was in custody on October 8 and 9, 2011. In letters written to the Supreme Court, she said that police officials had stripped and sexually assaulted her and given her electric shocks. 

On October 29, 2011, a government hospital examined her under court order, and reported that two stones had been inserted in her vagina and one in her rectum.

Ankit Garg, who had supervised the rape and brutalisation, recently received a gallantry award.

http://www.ndtv.com/article/india/want-to-work-for-women-who-have-faced-police-atrocities-tribal-activist-soni-sori-480988

http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2014-02-07/delhi/47125673_1_amnesty-international-india-lingaram-kodopi-false-charges

http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/soni-sori-lingaram-granted-bail/article5665415.ece

The Importance Of Hairstyles

There is a definite link between hairstyles and success, according to the regulars at Madras’s numerous tea shops, which are outnumbered only by dentists and cosmetic surgeons in that order. Look at Samson, they say.

And as a local cricket expert pointed out, the Indians are being beaten black and blue in New Zealand because Dhoni ignored the capillary gods. This opinion gained weight when the Kiwi skipper donned different styles for ODIs and Tests and found success in each format.

This chap, once a grounds man at Gandhinagar Cricket Club, points to Rahul Gandhi’s clean shaven chin and reminds me that the Congress’s attempts to gain popularity are as pitiful as mine in trying to find both length and line. Tough to argue with that.

Further proof, if this school of thought needed it, came when a smooth pated Satya Nadella took over Microsoft as its CEO.

There was good news on another front. The next time you are blamed for an accident you can now confidently refute the charge as baseless.

The traffic department says that deteriorating road conditions have now become a prime factor for the mishaps. There are close to 4.8 million people in Chennai, with the number of vehicles put at just over 4 million, and 1780 vehicles being added every day.

To add to this each of the city's buses is doing 42 trips a day. Only God knows where they're going and who is riding on them.

The cop, who pulled you over, would look pretty silly when you point out this increase in number of vehicles, shrinking road space and almost non-existent space for pedestrians.

Occam’s Razor proved its efficacy yet again as we pondered why anyone would want to join Parliament, which, as the Master points out, hosts “as weird a gaggle of freaks and sub-humans as was ever collected in one spot.”

Well, we learnt that in Parliament you can get tea for a buck, soup for five, and a fine vegetarian biryani for eight. And to top it all the past three days no work was done, as against the pretty little work they normally do.

I had been determined to keep politicians out of this missive. But it’s tough when they clamour for attention from all sides.

Take our Finance Minister P Chidambaram for instance. This guy had a very close shave in the last elections, getting through like a batsman who sees the ball shaving the stumps but not disturbing the bails.

But you got to give him credit for honesty. When asked about his government’s achievement he said that God would give the answer. His way of saying: Only God knows.

Meanwhile, Christo Babu, a graduate in business management has proving that skills, whatever they are, can come in handy. He is now much sought after in the Gulf countries for taming wild beasts. Nicknamed 'Wolf', Babu has re-established the fact that employers, like horses, only need management.

Modern mores have come under a Judge’s scrutiny. Pre-marital sex, he said, was a disorder and anathema to the rich culture of this country. Pity. If I had known this much earlier I could have caused further mayhem.

Sex claimed more attention. A man, who used to proudly call himself “Dirty” Deshmukh, has now cleaned up his act, dropped the Dirty from his name, in his bid to become India’s Larry Flynt.

His creation 'Savita Bhabhi – The Movie', an Indian anime, is now on its way to Hollywood. Professional voice artists had been used to maintain an authentic feel, he said.

We, however, do not know if Deshmukh will copy Flynt’s ploy of mailing his magazine Hustler every month, uninvited and for free, to some elected officials. We also do not know how our legislators will react to such advances.

The esteemed TIME and Buzzfeed said that ‘Elder Porn’ was booming in Japan and commented on Sexualitics, a big project by a group of sociologists, demographic experts, computer scientists and math experts.

Now I have reason to cheer. The considerable time I spent doing the cyber-nasty during the still watches of the night ever since I discovered it before the turn of the century has not only been for personal gratification but also the advancement of society.

The sense of disconnect continues

The first week of February started on a slap happy note. First a man slapped the Haryana CM, an MLA slapped a man and then a newly anointed new Chief Minister slapped his aide. The last, caught on live TV, proved to be contentious as the CM claimed it was not a slap but a ‘pat’.

A declaration that would have had Winston Smith of 1984 fame occupied for another 30 years pondering on propaganda and historical revisionism.

The cause behind Gujarat’s prosperity has been finally revealed. Elegant in its simplicity, the state had just marked  down the poverty line to Rs 11 per day. This sum, along with lots of goodwill can still not get you two cups of tea.

But just as we were beginning to think this joyous note would continue, the usual sense of disconnect descended on us. Not gently like nectar on upturned lips but with suddenness designed to purge our souls with pity and terror.

TV channels started calling Rahul Gandhi, the heir apparent in limbo, RaGa. Which is unusual for they have no space constraints and the astonishing amount of verbiage they spill is ... well, astonishing. You cannot go around calling someone RaGa and expect him to be unaffected.

He pouted and was said to be returning his porridge untouched. Deciding to do something about it, the Congress princeling donned a scruffy look and joined a protest against his own government.

This allows me to perform a rickety segue on the Rahul interview to TIMES NOW. It was replayed and referred to continuously and now a full text has been proffered online. This is akin to a fan of Marquis de Sade deciding to enliven our lives by replaying, in excruciating detail, Gavaskar’s memorable ODI innings of 30 in 60 overs.

The note of disconnect was boosted as media soon poured out a load of factoids, to which the answer was, in one form or the other, “yeah right.”

There was a disclosure that a lobbyist was instructed to target Sonia as she was the main force in India’s decision-making. The note then named seven persons as her aides with Manmohan Singh and Pranab Mukherjee as numbers one and three respectively. Maybe Manmohan’s proximity had been misinterpreted as closeness.

The Medical Council of India has announced that doctors’ prescriptions were illegible. The RBI then said that inflation had risen and remained a problem. Yeah right.

There was no let-up in sight. An analysis on India’s foreign policy vis-à-vis Syria started with a quote from the song “Smoke on the Water” by Deep Purple, which to today’s public could only mean a shade of unisex nail polish. How the title, song, and subject are connected is a puzzling and convoluted train of thought.

The New Indian Express however won the race with a trifecta in its Sunday edition. Three headlines, side by side in its centre-fold, told us that (a) for BCCI Cricket was All About Money and Power, (b) Voters were Useful Idiots For Power Hungry Political Parties and (c) Opportunism Whiff in Left’s Right Leaning. Yeah Right.

But you would think that the top story of the week would be a sportsman and scientist being bestowed with the nation’s top civilian honours. You would be wrong.

In a case of the Wild West meeting cow loving India, police launched a massive hunt for stolen buffaloes. Seven, count with me S-E-V-E-N, buffaloes were robbed from U.P.’s powerful minister Azam Khan's well-protected farmhouse.

Led by the Superintendent of Police, Sadhna Goswami, cops across the district spread out in a massive buffalo hunt, combed fields and took sniffer dogs along to track down the animals. TV reports showed canines, trained to seek explosives, looking at each other saying – now what?

The buffaloes were finally all found but three cops have been suspended for dereliction of duty.

 This is the same state in which 34 children died in a cold wave and 600 more are still reported missing. One wiseass commented that the UP Government could soon offer Z category security to buffaloes.

But Mr Khan may still have the last laugh. Soon after the buffaloes were recovered we have been alerted that prices of milk may rise – cow's to Rs 30 and buffalo's to Rs 40 per litre.