The Bastard Child of Unwed Parents

We know that English is an evolving language with new words being constantly added and old ones 'retired.'

With his ‘gang aft agley’ Robert Burns would have felt at home here. But then he not only had a poet’s nature to delight in perversity, he was also a Scot giving the needle to the English. 

However, some recent additions confirm my sinking feeling that they are due to the current and highly influential ‘overkill is underrated’ school of thought. Let me draw your attention to these examples from the past few days. 

When Israel was pounding the hell out of Hamas one TV news anchor wondered whether we were seeing the “final end” of the Gaza Strip.

On the same day another anchor cut short a panellist by telling him he was "digressing away" from the subject to which he wanted to "return back," a phrase that has become much too common.

On Tuesday, August 11, a news channel broadcast a story on what it called the “doctor-pharma nexus,” detailing the practice of some doctors who took bribes to recommend certain medicines.

When asked for his opinion, the Vice President of the Indian Medical Association repeatedly stated that there were “black sheeps” but that was not a reason to denigrate the entire medical profession. But the TV cut him short to announce the “first initial reaction” of the Minister of Health on the issue.

See what I mean?

If you turn to the entertainment channels for solace, you would find little relief. Apart from a “worldwide premiere in India” TV serials can also have a “final finale” now.

Even flipping through the channels can be dangerous. A recent ad for an app wants us to call 044-44444444 or ten times four. Don’t know whether to be delighted that it does not say four to the power of ten or astounded that viewers can and do understand this.

One more gem. On Monday, August 11, the CEO of Prasar Bharati complained about the transfers in the news divisions and wrote to the Ministry of Information & Broadcasting that these had been done without “the minimum modicum of consultation.”

Even shorn of “frivolous frippery” the content in some news items is enough to make my late editor, who is dead and cremated, to turn in his grave.

Recently a rat bit a passenger on the Salem–Egmore Express. When asked what had been done the General Manager of Southern Railway assured that action had been taken and that the Mumbai authorities had been alerted as the train was being maintained there.

All in all it’s enough to make me feel like wanting to commit suicide by my own hand.

Somebody Didn’t Get The Memo

Fighting on the blood-stained deck of his wrecked ship and asked to surrender John Paul Jones, the naval hero not the rock star, famously said: I haven’t started fighting yet. Hearing which one marine said “There’s always one son of a bitch who hasn’t got the word.”

Much the same can be said of the Madras Mosquito. While the city corporation has said that it is “happy” with a recent report that says that the mosquito menace has been brought under control (The New Indian Express – City Express May 13) nobody seems to have told this to the small bombers.

The reason for this complacency seems to be that only ten complaints regarding mosquitoes were registered in ten days of March against the 87 received in the corresponding period last year. 

Don’t ask me who. I too am flabbergasted that somebody actually expected action and took the trouble to complain.

Unfortunately for the Corporation, data suggest otherwise. A sample survey - undertaken by the Indian Public Health Association (IPHA), Tamil Nadu chapter, on mosquito species in the city - revealed a high density of the Armigeres species in several pockets of north Chennai.

It may be of little comfort to know that these mosquitoes do not transmit diseases like their Anopheles and Aedes kin since the study warns, “their bites are painful”. Like we didn’t know.

IPHA also had other helpful factoids. “The Armigeres mosquitoes are a little bigger than the usual ones. They are six millimetres long and have a flying distance of 500 to 750 metres. They can fly up to 500 metres high. They also make some kind of a noise which can disrupt sleep, especially that of infants.”

Yeah right. Sleep disruption is our main worry considering that the City Corporation seems to be talking in tongues, much like one touched by the divine hand of insanity.

Before warning on the perils of dengue and giving hints on how to spot it, its website warns that the city “has become an endemic area for malaria since few decades. Nearly 70% of the malaria cases recorded in the State of Tamil Nadu is occurring in Chennai City alone.

“The problem is more acute in North-east coastal areas like Tondiarpet, Washermanpet, Royapuram, Harbour, Muthialpet, Mannady, Sowcarpet, Elephant Gate, Periamet, Pattalam and Pulianthope.

“These mosquitoes were also found in abundance in several parts of north Chennai, including Korukkupet, Washermenpet, Otteri, Mint, Pulianthope, Vyasarpadi, Pattalam, Tondiarpet and Kasimedu,” it says.

Unfortunately for us, Madras saw short spells of rain in the last three days which have already left small puddles in and around houses and on the roadsides. 

With three major waterways and sixteen minor drains heavily polluted, Madras is hoping that the 40 degree heat wave that has been indicated will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, drying up the stagnating pools. 

Better to sweat and stink than be cool and dead.

When Sight Is A Handicap

There is a famous story about a chap called Nunez who goes climbing in the Andes and gets stuck in an isolated village. He sees things like houses without windows, curious paths with curbs etc., but only later realises that all the villagers are blind.

Like all of us he figures in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king, right? Wrong. For he soon finds out that explaining visuals to the blind lands him in big trouble with the locals concluding that what he terms as “sight” is a sickness of the mind. 

There are different endings to this tale though I like the one where the locals remove his eyes to cure him of his insanity.

Much like Nunez Indian voters have a bunch of clues in front of us but are either drawing the wrong conclusions or indulging in wishful thinking.

With less than two weeks to go before the poll results are out, the BJP has begun to reveal more and more of its stripes. Which should worry all of us.

Calling Varanasi Kashi, proclaiming a “glorious future for the ancient city” and promising both the Ram Mandir in Ayodhya and binging about Ram Rajya are disturbing to say the least.

But even more worrying is the impudence and volume of the strident attacks on anyone criticising the BJP in any form. Anybody daring to say anything anti-Modi is shouted down, often abused in raves and rants across social media platforms.

Students made to shout anti-Pak slogans, Modi vowing to rid West Bengal of “infiltrators” or Amit Shah declaring Azamgarh as the base of terrorist operations are not exactly conducive to a secular India.

Police officers in Tamil Nadu say that the bomb blast in Chennai Central is only indicative of troubles ahead as ISI has got a foothold in Sri Lanka and will pursue a “very active” role in the future. And it is still not clear whether the anti-Christian massacre in Assam is part of these troubled times.

Safely ensconced in our little islands in the sun we tend to see the glass as being half-full, comforting ourselves in the knowledge that roses are indeed growing as India marches forward. But to those who are closer to the ground it is not the smell of roses but that of the bullshit under that is all pervasive. 

Concert for George

On Idlis & the Congress

Idly, the staple dish of south India, has more connotations than the humble dish is given credit for. For instance, it is a plain, simple dish that metabolises quickly, takes on any additional flavouring and generally nourishes those who partake of it.

Much like Indians; who are able to assimilate into any society, enhance themselves with additional skills and in general contribute to the welfare of the society they become a part of. Idlis are pretty easy to make and lasts long, again much like Indians.

Much has been made about the Chinese dumplings and their version of rice-cakes. The difference is that unlike Idlis, they have a distinctive flavour, and are generally not suited for the honorific: easily assimilated.

Wikipedia, that boon of the 21st century, is so fascinated by the Idly that it gives a hyperlink- and image-filled feature, four pages long, before it can tear itself away to cite references and associated articles. Please note, I am still talking about the basic idly and not its variants, like the K-idly, kaduppu, rava idly, etc.

In the end however, one finds that the basic message is the same. The Idly is a simple dish and a habitué can enjoy different flavours with a host of condiments. Much like the Congress party’s ideologies, which change ever so often though the basics remain the same.

Wikipedia also points out that Idlis are useful even when extras have been made and not consumed immediately. Again the parallels to the Congress are striking. If there are excess units of the Congress, they can be transformed into localised versions, like the TRS, YRS, TMC (both) and so on. 

Idlis, for their part, can be transformed into uppma, cut up into smaller pieces and fried with chillies, peppers, onions and so on, or even can be deep fried to take most of its sustenance providing qualities. The end result may blow the roof off your mouth and trouble your stomach for a while. 

In this aspect also it is much like the Congress, which when pushed into a corner, spices up its agenda, especially on economics, and threatens your very health but is still able to prevail because of popular conceptions.

The Congress's styles are much like the Idly too. The latter is white and is served with red chilli powder and two chutneys white and green, the basic colours of the Congress. The party’s election symbol, the open palm, strikes a chord as well – as it can also stand for the ubiquitous Kai-endhi bhavans that ply their trade all over the country.

And every once in a while the Idly can be mixed thoroughly with milk or curds, with seasonings of choice, and pushed upon us under different names like Dodhiyanam. The only problem is Idly-lovers will strongly object to the demeaning of this dish by the comparisons with the Congress. To them all I can say is: I Am Sorry.

For The Faithful Outside Madras

The 28-year-old Mangala Vinayagar temple on the Panadiyan Kovil Street in Krishnapuram Colony is the go-to place now, mainly because of the ghee that has been "coming out" from the head of Hanuman there.

A senior priest had warned not to take photographs of the idol, despite which The New Indian Express manage to store this image for posterity.

Everyday, at 8.30 a.m., a pooja is performed and after a while the idol is covered with ghee, an event called a 'miracle' and one that has been drawing the faithful in increasing numbers. The miracle is all the more precious because ghee is selling at around Rs 400 a litre. 

So am sharing this especially before rationalists and scientists prick this ghee balloon.

Shredding The Strings

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ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man (Live In Texas) (+playlist)

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The Canny Cops Of U.P.

Recent events have helped the Uttar Pradesh police re-establish their credentials. They had been roundly reviled and accused of acting on their political masters’ whims and favouring the rich.

In the former case, they had been charged with turning a blind eye to the camps of those affected by the riots in Muzaffarnagar. The recent death of a three year old child in the ‘refugee’ camps only intensified this animosity.

In a further test of their credibility, they were accused of using excessive force on some doctors who had taken to the streets while airing their grievances. They were then taken to task in the curious case of Sahara Group chairman Subrata Roy. 

After the Supreme Court issued an arrest warrant on Roy, the UP cops went to his house and came back empty handed. Roy had cannily moved over to his mother’s house, thus giving the cops enough reason to say that the house they searched did not house the accused. 

But with the SC forcing their hand they soon ‘found’ him and then went on to lodge him in an expensive resort, which was then closed to the janta.

Roy, an ardent supporter of Indian cricket, also appears to be a fan of Mae West, who had famously said: I’ve been poor and I’ve been rich. It’s better being rich. And as a cricket fan, Roy also took to heart the advice given to batsmen: When slashing at a ball outside the off-stump, you must slash hard.

Taking these two in conjunction Roy has amassed a vast fortune and had bedevilled investors and the taxman so much that the Supreme Court finally lost its patience and forced him into Tihar jail.

These incidents, however, only spurred the UP cops to step up their bid for righteous fame. In a recent case they had managed to track down seven buffaloes belonging to a minister and which had been farmed out in different locations.

How they did it, remains a mystery. They do not want to follow in Sherlock Holmes’s footsteps when he said, “You know my methods. Apply them.” Now, they have solved a murder, a case which would have stymied Holmes, Poirot and Perry Mason.

First, the case: Mrs. Neelam (45), wife of Vijay Sharma, the editor of a Hindi daily, was found murdered at her residence in Agra on February 20. To make matters worse her pet dog too had been killed.

After a week of deduction, the cops found aid, help and succour in the victim’s parrot, named Hercule. The bird was found to screech every time the husband’s nephew came or even at the mention of his name, Ashutosh.

Synapses fired and the Agra SSP, Shalabh Mathur, proudly revealed that Ashutosh had confessed to the crime on being interrogated. "Ashutosh and an accomplice had entered the house with the intention of taking away cash and other valuables.

“Afraid that his aunt might recognize him, he stabbed her as well as the dog when he started barking. But he hadn't accounted for the parrot who was watching silently.”

More on how a son fought seven years to have his father accept him, the rites of the Left and other events later on.

February Fever Fades

As the first day of play drew to a close, the field resembled more a battleground from Asterix where the Goths, Romans, Gauls, Helvetians and many more battle each other, little knowing who is hurting, or helping, whom.

With the pitch expected to worsen over the last two sessions, we can confidently expect Madness in March, Antics in April, Mayhem in May and God only knows what later on. But for now, even with a couple of hours of play left, troops have been withdrawn and strategies being reworked.

While there were a number of casualties, Congress easily claimed the Biggest Loser's award. It seemed as if the party and its members were hell-bent on disproving the adage that “in shooting much depends on who is at which end.”

The Congress has also learnt that if you sleep with the dogs you’ll get up with fleas, which once they see another fat cat will behave like rats deserting a sinking ship.

We can be pretty sure that there will be U-turns aplenty. Even as the present regime brought out Nirodh to control the population explosion, VHP leader Ashok Singhal sounded a clarion call for Hindus to go forth and multiply.

Exercised by what he felt was a slower growth rate in Hindu population than Christians and Muslims he asked Hindu families to “produce at least five children”.

Much like Rahul lowering the bar on political knowledge every time he opens his mouth, the BJP too has lowered its sights by declaring a ‘Mission 272’. There are 545 seats that will be fought for, in case you were wondering.

Tamil Nadu Chief Minister J Jayalalithaa celebrated her 66^th birthday and the state went nuts as AIADMK functionaries vied for her attention with ads, hoardings and banners. One ad in particular drew notice claiming that she was a “Guinness record holder.” Which was quite hard as it came a day after the last survivor of the Holocaust died at the age of 108.

Despite the rupee staying stable at 61-62 against the dollar, the idea of gold as a currency has been gaining … well currency, though we were warned that imports may fall to 500-550 tonnes next year and smuggling could rise.

Reports have already begun on the smuggling front, with one African lady “held for smuggling gold in her underwear.” Gold, now selling at around Rs. 30,000 per 10 grams, fascinated one enterprising lad. He went to work, swiped 20 sovereigns off his boss and went on a party.

Unfortunately, he left too many clues, thanks to which a four member police team from Madras had the pleasure of going to Goa where they nabbed the culprit and his associate sun-bathing on a beach.

The city cops are, however, disappointed with their lot. Their shoes, which weigh close to a kilo, are mostly made in the Trichy prison. What has made them disgruntled is that their Mumbai brethren are enjoying the joys of designer furniture, especially chairs, made by convicts in Thane prison.

The convicts also make gift items like leather goods and pens, tables, rifle stands and wall hangings. The popularity of the teak furniture has left a huge demand-supply gap.

One man took advantage of our focus on the political loonies. Prabakar Sathya Kumar, of Orathur village in Tiruvallur district, claimed that he was an employee of the Madras High Court for 35 years, was closely associated with several judges and went on to “sell” jobs in court to more than 180 people.

He issued ‘appointment orders,’ signed and sealed. Charging Rs 1.50 lakhs for sweepers, Rs 2 lakhs for office assistants and Rs 3 to Rs 4 lakhs for clerks, he collected over Rs 4 crores and is now absconding.

Coins On A Roll

I doubt if 15 minutes would be enough to digest the enormity of this move's significance. We are unsure whether to mock or to welcome this latest brainchild of some babu.

First the news: "Thanks to the initiative by Reserve Bank of India and the  banks across the country, the city will soon be having 65 coin vending machines (CVMs) at various bank branches.

A senior RBI official said that the move by the banks is expected to gain popularity with the public looking for CVMs the way they look for ATMs.

Coins will be available in denominations of Rs.1, Rs.2, Rs.5 and Rs.10. Bankers say two or three denominations of coins will be dispensed. The maximum limit for using the coin vending machines is Rs.100."

The question that most of us are asking is what to do after collecting the coins. You can may be pay the the bus fare but not bills in grocery stores, electricity boards or even property tax offices.

We are puzzled. It would be fair to say that we are even chagrined.

Recently an old lady, seeking alms on Mount Road, flung back a one rupee coin at an out of town driver, saying "If you have money to drive a car you should have money to have notes and not coins."

A foreign bank, Standard Chartered, has also joined the initiative, though it is very doubtful whether its CVMs will be used by its clientele, most of whom form the new middle class, while the others are merely the idle rich.

And here's a "Rock and The Roll" song Madras style:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56vqU9lnxF8&list=PLLonEXKwxFKJV6tDd90RxvOG8xmHZlVDg

Ghosts Of Errors Past

Much like Macbeth on seeing Banquo’s ghost, Indians - prominent and ordinary - were shocked by the return of issues they had thought were buried and done with.

Finance Minister P Chidambaram was among those hit hard. He had just completed giving a budget during which he patted his back so hard he dislocated a shoulder. “It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. He went on and on when a simple apology was all that was required,” said one analyst.

Much like Townshend and Daltrey, PC has been replacing Rahul Gandhi as the Congress frontman. And in that role he had had a sharp exchange with BJP chief Narendra Modi, who had said that country needed “hard working people not Harvard educated.”

PC’s counter came out totally wrong, when he said “We don’t need hard working or hard hearted people.” He had to recall his mother’s name and encouragement in his bid to escape censure.

Modi too was affected. Not content with having made his point he picked on that harp once too often. Why is he making fools out of you, he asked which lost something in translation reading: “Why is he calling you owls?” Offended owls glared mournfully and asked: Who, us?

Even as the nation was witnessing the tumultuous birth of its 29^th state, a thoroughly miffed Arvind Kejriwal tried to regain the spotlight. Fresh details emerged on AK 49, as he is known now after starring in a 49 day drama that was so off Broadway that it was in Delhi.

Purported to be a champion of the Right to Information Act, AK 49 stonewalled requests for information on several key decisions he had taken. Requests for information on cabinet decisions were forwarded to the fire service, Delhi Metro Rail Corporation and Delhi Urban Shelter Improvement Board.

Then came the disclosure that his party AAP would take support from khaps for the upcoming elections. Khaps, in case you didn’t know, are local councils and have been in the news for a couple of horror stories regarding ‘sanctioned” rape and brutality.

AK’s partner on stage ex-Delhi Law Minister Somnath Bharti's past caught up with him as well. One journalist revealed that Bharti was one of the world's worst spammers as well as being associated with a company involved in selling pornographic domain names.

Such revelations may have had a hand in seeing contributions to AAP declining with its NRI appeal most significantly hit.

A major shock was waiting for civil servants who had been expecting to join political parties in keeping with the trend set by former superiors and colleagues. The government is now dusting off the once rejected idea of imposing a compulsory ‘cooling-off’ period for bureaucrats joining politics.

Only recently a similar move to stop babus’ flow into corporate houses had been thwarted, thus leaving the retirees at least one way open to garner fame and fortunes.

This could be quite hard on CBI boss Ranjit Sinha, who seemed to have been preparing for a change in the country's rulers. Recently, he had just come out against the Centre over the notorious Ishrat Jahan fake encounter case. He may now have to reconsider his retirement options.

However, the most distressing (or welcome) return was that of the public sector and quite possibly the Communist doctrine. The Tamil Nadu Government has recently increased its involvement in fields other than … well governance.

Involvement in sales of liquor, mining, restaurants, public transport has now been enhanced. Amma theatres may soon join the Amma buses, hotels and may even go to an Amma hospital. Chennai saw a building constructed for the Legislative Assembly being turned into a super speciality hospital.

Possibly the only time in world history where bureaucracy has been transformed into a tangible asset.

Sports, meanwhile, has been seeing the strange involvement of the NBA’s bid to garner hoopsters here. Though the average Indian’s height has increased, pickings will be pretty slim, considering the growth has been from 5'3" to 5'6".

New Heights In Plumbing Record Lows

February 2014 will be known for the new heights India scaled in plumbing record lows, pardon the mixed metaphors. Chaos in Parliament, a very poor Budget, assassins set free … every which way we turned, chaos and confusion ruled.

Each day we were told: a record low in a democracy. But these commentators forget they are talking about India.

Much the same has been said for a long time. Emergency, Bhopal, Babri Masjid, Godhra – each a shorthand for a record low. Yet we have plumbed deeper levels and will continue to do so.

The creation of India’s 29^th state, Telengana, turned out to be a highly charged affair. First one MP tried to Mace his colleagues. In the Rajya Sabha, the House of Elders, one worthy attempted a choke slam on the Chairman even as we all watched it live.

Just a few hours earlier, the same issue had rocked Lok Sabha. But we will never know the details. The editor in charge of TV coverage mirrored the late Rajaji’s feelings when he was writing about the outrage forced on Draupadi. “My hand trembles at the very thought of the atrocity about to happen,” he said as the scene unfolds on one of that vilest of deeds.

But unlike that great man who went on to record the details, this editor lost his nerve and turned off the cameras. So what happened there we’ll never know, except the fact that there was some pretty stirring stuff.

The 15^th parliament will also go down in history as the one with the worst performance. The economy has been left in a shambles, a state sponsored partition, dubious records on corruption levels - the past ten years have been pretty rough. 

But India, as we all know, has the remarkable ability to bounce back and the next ten years are bound to see these records outperformed.

The only person who appeared to enhance his persona was the Prime Minster, Manmohan Singh. His declaration of India’s 29^th state, Telengana, was done with an eerie calm. 

Eerie because there was one MP literally in his face. Inches away. And screaming to boot. Yet the PM carried on without batting an eyelid, his demeanour calm and voice even.

Makes you wonder whether there is more to the man than meets the eye. Others think so as well. Apparently, the US lavished its most expensive state dinner on Singh than on anybody else since 2009. Poets, prophets and PMs never seem to be fully appreciated in their own land.

India also became more dangerous for journalists, which may not be exactly a bad thing. With 13 messengers killed India became the fourth most dangerous place for journalists and marked as “mostly not free”. The recent controversy around Wendy Doniger and Penguin also brought to light that India was 131nd on the Press Freedom Index.

Indians had little luck overseas as well. Data showed "an exceptionally high mortality rate" in Qatar since 455 Indians had died in 2012 and 2013 while working for Qatar, the 2022 World Cup host. 

Human Rights Watch said the figures were "horrendous" and gave "an indication of an unfolding tragedy in Qatar".

A less troubled Indian embassy said the "overwhelming number" of deaths were due to natural causes, and remained “consistent in the last five years,” while Qatar insisted “there was nothing untoward” in these figures.

People of Madras had their fears confirmed when corporation data showed that 85% of the roads were of poor quality, something that all are reminded each time we take a bone jarring drive.

The only silver lining that one could see was in a report finding the key to long marriage. Adultery, said a study, could be the key to a happy marriage. "Outsourcing" areas of marriage such as sex to other suitors could make a relationship work in the long run, it said.

Considering India’s leadership status in the outsourcing field, some people have begun to perk up.

Bulls Of Bharata

We regularly come across the term O Bull of Bharata varsha while reading our epics, vedas and other material on ancient India. 

Generally used to address a king, warrior or someone with power, this term took on special significance as we learnt about prize bulls of present day India featured at the Progressive Punjab Agriculture Summit 2014 that just ended in Mohali.

Raju, a Murrah bull, has been valued at Rs 10 crores. His daily diet consists of 10 litres of milk, 3 kilos of curd and 10 kilos of feed. His regimen also includes a 6-km walk. 

Another bull named Yuvraj, with a Rs.2 crore price tag,  sleeps in an air-conditioned room. His daily diet includes 20 litres of milk, a bottle of country liquor, 5 kilos of apples and 5 kilos of feed.

Whether he would do better with the quaintly named "Indian Made Foreign Liquor", single malt, rum, brandy or rye is now open to debate.

Samuel Johnson once said that oats is “a grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.” Now someone has to come up with something similar regarding bulls and liquor.

Then there is Aalishaan, a horse which is pampered with shampoo baths regularly. What makes it special is not the shampoo but the fact that the horse's owner turned down a Chief Minister who offered Rs. 1.25 crores for it. The owner spends about Rs. 1000 a day on Aalishan.

This news came about the same time Mckinsey reported that to achieve a "modest standard of living" an individual needed Rs 1336 per month to fulfill his/her basic needs for food, energy, housing, drinking water, sanitation, health care, education and social security. The poverty line prescribed by the government is around Rs 870 per month per person.

According to the report 56% of the population lacks the means to meet essential needs as consumption level falls below Rs 1,336 per person per month or almost Rs 6,700 per month for a family of five. 

This translates to 680 million people whose consumption levels across both rural and urban area of the country fall short of this mark. 

In short it would have been better to have kine than kin.

The Secret Sorrows Of Rahul

The more I think of it, the more I feel Rahul Gandhi is a chap who is more to be pitied than censured.

From being a carefree power behind the throne he now looks like someone who has drunk the cup of life and finds a dead bug at the bottom.

This was the chap, who said shortly after his 43^rd birthday, "Poverty is just a state of mind” and that “if one possesses self-confidence, then one can overcome poverty".

And from stating “I am not averse to politics,” today he has to be grateful for any endorsement, even a “strip support” from actress Tanisha Singh, who taped his picture to cover her frontal assets.

To make things worse he has to hear us constantly misquote Mark Twain: “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

Yes. No doubt it is a dog’s life. The comparison to a dog is not odious. Indeed according to the Chinese zodiac, Rahul’s sign is the dog.

And according to that astrology, dogs are loyal but have trouble trusting others and are known for the occasional little white lies to make things go more smoothly. Sound familiar? Wait a bit.

Other features of this sign:

• -       trouble staying calm when an important issue is at stake
• -       very temperamental
• -       prone to mood swings
• -       irrational fears that turn into hurt feelings and
• -       prone to occasional grouchiness.

Now we come to India, which happens to be a Pig, the most generous and honourable sign of the Zodiac.

Pigs are:

• -       nice to a fault, possess impeccable manners and taste
• -       highly intelligent, forever studying and probing in their quest for greater knowledge
• -       inclined to be perceived as snobs or lazy, both misconceptions
• -       possessed of a truly luxurious nature, delighting in finery and riches
• -      unfortunately stomped on by others and yet will take the blows.

The two should make a grand match.

We now return to a Rahul who much like a champion boxer expecting a lightweight contender suddenly finds himself in a WWE Royal Rumble. He has been forced into to lowering his sights from a ‘could-be-PM’ to a ‘not-even-likely-Opposition Leader’. 

He has been driven to stake claim for his party ushering the IT revolution in India and ask the BJP to stop taking credit for it and to accuse the BJP of overlooking corruption in its own party.

Instead of calculating winnable seats on a state-wide basis, he is now forced to woo voters across the lines like women and ex-servicemen as well as try out increasingly novel steps like primaries in the 128-year-old Congress.

Things have come to such a pass that Rahul stopped his convoy and got down from his car to meet Dushyant, a class four student who was waving an NSUI flag, as he was leaving after an interaction with select students.

Speaking to reporters Dushyant said: “He asked me how are you? I replied I’m fine and then I told him you will become Prime Minister”.

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings, what?

Silver Linings

Despite the dark clouds that enveloped India late this week, with MPs using pepper spray and brandishing knives, there were many silver linings.

In fact a question that has vexed philosophers, psychiatrists and thinkers may very well be settled, thanks to a trenchant essay by a leading marketing and consumer insight expert.

The essayist charmingly admitted that a couple of logical links were missing and then listed a raft of designers - Tom Ford of Gucci, Cristóbal Balenciaga, Christian Dior and Yves Saint Laurent among others- all of whom were gay. Again admitting a lack of scientic research, she then posited a designer or gay gene.

If there is indeed a gay gene it will definitively answer the Nature vs Nurture debate. It may also lead to the establishment of celibacy as being hereditary.

While bomb blasts ravaged the world the past week, one bomber in Kovilapatti appears to have a social conscience. Peeved by the growing mounds of garbage, the unknown bomber blasted a trash can, in a bid to find a final solution.

But, bombs are not indiscriminate in spreading havoc. One designed to take out a Reliance supermarket in Madurai did not go off even after being ignited. This has enhanced the Ambanis’ prestige considerably.

The population problem has brought about Nirodh Redux. Now branded a luxury product, Nirodh is again in markets. Large and Extra-large sizes are not planned for the time being.

Poll fever has thoroughly gripped India and we are seeing a range of benefits. For one, Madras will get back pavements. All bus routes in the city will get redesigned wide, easy-to-access footpaths before the elections this year. Work on redesigned footpaths on 55 roads is under way.

In Tiruvannamalai 350 or so hermits have sought voter IDs as they want to participate this time around. How exactly this can be done is the question that has the region’s babus scratching their heads.

Good, honest work is also available for hosts of Indians with or without an education. Classes are being undertaken in the science of elections – like ballot stuffing, booth capturing, repeat votes, and so on. As a result, there is now a sudden infusion of cash, mostly in the Rs 500 and Rs 1000 denominations.

This may explain why the Indian Post Office, yes it is still here, has decided to enter the ATM business, though India’s biggest bank, SBI, recently said that this line was proving too costly and had low profit margins.

This could also be why the RBI has approved four non-banking firms to set up ATMs. Soon, Indian citizens without a bank account would be able to withdraw cash from an ATM with the help of mobile technology.

RBI on Wednesday approved the setting up of White Label ATMs in the country. We are not sure, yet, how this label will compare with the Red, Black and Blue Labels.

Many have obviously mistaken this as a clear shot at sudden riches. To be fair to them, such confusion was not singular. Obviously, taken up with a role he had recently done and impressed with the number of spy thrillers actor Akshay Kumar said: If I weren't an actor, I'd be a Defence Intelligence Agent.

A news story from Bosnia-Herzegovina had much of us amused. Apparently that country has been shaken by a wave of anti-government protests with “more than five thousand” taking to the streets in one town on Friday. Wonder what they would call rush hour traffic here.

The doom and gloom merchants have pointed out a report by the panel that probed the IPL scam, saying that corruption had spread on every level. The good news was that the same report has suggested that gambling be legalised, shortly before M A M Ramaswamy’s Marmaduke won the chief event of the races held here on Thursday.

Other highlights of the week were N Srinivasan cementing India’s position at the top of the ICC, his son-in-law being indicted for corruption and gambling and his brother N Ramachandran becoming the head of the Indian Olympic Association.Indian athletes can now compete under the tricolour as the previous IOA had been deemed too corrupt and India being banned from the International Olympic Committee. Go figure.

The weather strip on NDTV, once a path-breaker in TV journalism, irrespective of the time, day, week or month constantly shows Chennai at 21.7, Delhi at 19 and Jammu at 17.4, among other cities. Either they have figured out how to control climate or they just think that the viewer is just not going to give a damn.

Prisoners Of Conscience

The following links will take you to one of the sorriest stories of India. 

With the media howling non-stop on various issues you would think a woman who was brutalised by having stones shoved up her vagina and rectum would find some sympathy. 

But sadly no. 

The Chhattisgarh police claimed she fell in a bathroom.

Unless you guys knew what the subject was about you would've missed most of these reports that cover a time-spread of 2011-2014. 

You can read the brief here or check the links for a more complete version.

On Friday Supreme Court granted "permanent bail" (not freedom) to Prisoners of Conscience Soni Sori and Lingaram Kodopi who were under detention for over two years on false charges.

The Supreme Court granted bail to the duo more than two years after they were arrested on false charges levelled against them for criticising the human rights violations of security forces in Chhattisgarh.

Soni Sori was tortured while she was in custody on October 8 and 9, 2011. In letters written to the Supreme Court, she said that police officials had stripped and sexually assaulted her and given her electric shocks. 

On October 29, 2011, a government hospital examined her under court order, and reported that two stones had been inserted in her vagina and one in her rectum.

Ankit Garg, who had supervised the rape and brutalisation, recently received a gallantry award.

http://www.ndtv.com/article/india/want-to-work-for-women-who-have-faced-police-atrocities-tribal-activist-soni-sori-480988

http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2014-02-07/delhi/47125673_1_amnesty-international-india-lingaram-kodopi-false-charges

http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/soni-sori-lingaram-granted-bail/article5665415.ece

The Importance Of Hairstyles

There is a definite link between hairstyles and success, according to the regulars at Madras’s numerous tea shops, which are outnumbered only by dentists and cosmetic surgeons in that order. Look at Samson, they say.

And as a local cricket expert pointed out, the Indians are being beaten black and blue in New Zealand because Dhoni ignored the capillary gods. This opinion gained weight when the Kiwi skipper donned different styles for ODIs and Tests and found success in each format.

This chap, once a grounds man at Gandhinagar Cricket Club, points to Rahul Gandhi’s clean shaven chin and reminds me that the Congress’s attempts to gain popularity are as pitiful as mine in trying to find both length and line. Tough to argue with that.

Further proof, if this school of thought needed it, came when a smooth pated Satya Nadella took over Microsoft as its CEO.

There was good news on another front. The next time you are blamed for an accident you can now confidently refute the charge as baseless.

The traffic department says that deteriorating road conditions have now become a prime factor for the mishaps. There are close to 4.8 million people in Chennai, with the number of vehicles put at just over 4 million, and 1780 vehicles being added every day.

To add to this each of the city's buses is doing 42 trips a day. Only God knows where they're going and who is riding on them.

The cop, who pulled you over, would look pretty silly when you point out this increase in number of vehicles, shrinking road space and almost non-existent space for pedestrians.

Occam’s Razor proved its efficacy yet again as we pondered why anyone would want to join Parliament, which, as the Master points out, hosts “as weird a gaggle of freaks and sub-humans as was ever collected in one spot.”

Well, we learnt that in Parliament you can get tea for a buck, soup for five, and a fine vegetarian biryani for eight. And to top it all the past three days no work was done, as against the pretty little work they normally do.

I had been determined to keep politicians out of this missive. But it’s tough when they clamour for attention from all sides.

Take our Finance Minister P Chidambaram for instance. This guy had a very close shave in the last elections, getting through like a batsman who sees the ball shaving the stumps but not disturbing the bails.

But you got to give him credit for honesty. When asked about his government’s achievement he said that God would give the answer. His way of saying: Only God knows.

Meanwhile, Christo Babu, a graduate in business management has proving that skills, whatever they are, can come in handy. He is now much sought after in the Gulf countries for taming wild beasts. Nicknamed 'Wolf', Babu has re-established the fact that employers, like horses, only need management.

Modern mores have come under a Judge’s scrutiny. Pre-marital sex, he said, was a disorder and anathema to the rich culture of this country. Pity. If I had known this much earlier I could have caused further mayhem.

Sex claimed more attention. A man, who used to proudly call himself “Dirty” Deshmukh, has now cleaned up his act, dropped the Dirty from his name, in his bid to become India’s Larry Flynt.

His creation 'Savita Bhabhi – The Movie', an Indian anime, is now on its way to Hollywood. Professional voice artists had been used to maintain an authentic feel, he said.

We, however, do not know if Deshmukh will copy Flynt’s ploy of mailing his magazine Hustler every month, uninvited and for free, to some elected officials. We also do not know how our legislators will react to such advances.

The esteemed TIME and Buzzfeed said that ‘Elder Porn’ was booming in Japan and commented on Sexualitics, a big project by a group of sociologists, demographic experts, computer scientists and math experts.

Now I have reason to cheer. The considerable time I spent doing the cyber-nasty during the still watches of the night ever since I discovered it before the turn of the century has not only been for personal gratification but also the advancement of society.