The Week That Wasn’t

For most of the past week India’s entry into some lists occupied much of our attention. The Global Slavery Index. Delhi as the most polluted city. Indian airlines downgraded. Indian made cars not meeting safety standards. Pretty much the usual stuff.

Other events, and I use the word with caution, like the family feud in DMK, and the “first” Rahul Gandhi interview turned out to be non-starters. But, we watched it desperate in our search for entertainment, a plight you cannot hope to understand until you’ve watched Sponge Bob Square Pants. In Tamil.

There were bigger problems closer home. People of Madras had to pull out their woollies as temperatures plunged to a bitter 20 degree Celsius (that’s about 68 F) mid-week. Worse news followed. The meteorological department has forecast a few more chilly nights.

Meanwhile eight carriages landed here from Brazil, for the city’s Mass Transit system. The fact that the city has (had?) a massive railway coach factory, ICF, or produces tanks for the Army seems to have missed the attention of most everybody.

Almost on the heels of that announcement came a startling headline - Loco pilots demand filling of vacancies (Jan 23 The Hindu): Readers were then assured that there was nobody seeking quotas for crazies. They were just overworked railway locomotive staff.

Silk merchants and shops are also now a troubled lot. With the music season having ended and marriages not much the rule now the supply of silk kurtas has outstripped demand. For the past few years we had been seeing bright colours, and bling-adorned kurtas take over men’s fashion.

With current developments, and reminiscences of the metrosexual, the sericulture industry is now hoping for the Madrasexual to save it.

Much acclaimed Tamil actor Sivaji had been honoured with a statue on the Marina Beach road. Now that has been ruled an obstruction to traffic and a court has ordered it moved. Why is this news? I’m glad you asked. The statue, you see, stops vehicles from going around a roundabout and stops them cutting corners, literally. Talk about cutting the leg to fit the shoe.

The power of the Madras mosquito has also increased manifold. It can now attack you even on the 19th floor, making it worthy of a study by some foundation, at least from an evolutionary viewpoint.

Temple cities and pilgrims will be happy to know that the Madras High Court Bench has requested the feasibility of extracting water from the 22 ‘theertham’ sites at the Ramanathaswamy Temple in Rameswaram and introduce a sprinkling system to maintain hygiene.

The political news you’ve been reading would not have helped you realise that the AAP has set a topi trend: BJP workers now are wearing orange topis with the slogan ‘Modi For PM’. And even in Tamil Nadu Vijaykant, who espouses the Tamil cause, has been using the AAP topi during photo-ops.

On the national front we were mesmerised by a case of Peter robbing Paul who had already robbed Mary. There were many ups and downs in this story, much like the mood of a Rahul Gandhi fan.

A gang in Delhi pulled off a Texas two-step in a Rs 8 crore heist. At first, the two victims claimed no money had been lost. They then became mysterious about how much had been lost. Soon after, the duo fought in the interrogation room and the police had to separate them.

They were then ‘discovered’ to be bookies, with one of them linked to Hansie Cronje. Police have been soft on the two men, providing them a choice of food and beverages, unlike in the US where a diplomat was only given coffee after her arrest. 

The Law of Unintended Consequences

The Law of Unintended Consequences and Chaos Theory held sway over India for most of the past week.

A band of robbers broke into the Ettayapuram palace under the totally excusable belief that a palace would contain wealth. Unfortunately, their faith was misplaced and they had to return empty handed.

The week started on a stormy note. Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal called himself an anarchist, stormed police barricades and vowed to disrupt the R-Day festivities.

The name Arvind indicates the god of intelligence who often visits earth to test and reward men for their wit. And boy did AK test our wit. He also tested the patience of people in every walk of life, from ministers in other states, political analysts, policemen and nearly all of us.

People were baffled to see a CM sleep on the road. In general, Indians are more used to seeing “indeterminate fasts” lasting an hour, and one where adjustable mattresses with air-coolers placed at protest sites.

Amidst all this chaos, the Chief Minister held a cabinet meeting in a car, signed files and governed the National Capital Region. This gave more incentive for physicists, theoretical and applied, to flock to India to study the impacts of the Chaos Theory.

Then, a Congress leader called BJP leader Modi a chaiwallah. Again the L of U.C. came into effect. Modi, whose name means 'lord of mankind', dwelt on this to good political effect. Tea-vendors are very popular nowadays.

Incidentally even as this was going on a tea vendor in the Chennai airport was arrested for amassing wealth “beyond his means” proving that tea sellers can rise up in life even if they stick to their chosen profession.

One of Kejriwal’s colleagues was berated when a comment he had made on Kerala nurses in an earlier avatar came to haunt him. Faced with The Wrath of the Woman, he excused himself by explaining that “comedy was scripted in a light hearted vein”.

Our capacity of tolerance was tested when questions arose whether Indians are “racist”. Indians whose most popular deities Rama & Krishna are celebrated for their dark skin, as is Draupadi, for whom millions perished, were heard singing Bharathiyar’s

காக்கை சிறகினிலே நந்தலாலா - நின்றன்

கரிய நிறம் தோன்றுதையே நந்தலாலா

Sons and grandsons of Congress leaders may now find politics closed as a career path. In Karnataka, protests rose when the Congress cleared the names of some of its leaders’ offspring for the coming LS polls.

India’s Finance Minister P Chidambaram was also affected by the Law of U C. In Davos he attacked the BJP’s policies as “regressive” and “retrograde” quite forgetting that both parties have an almost identical economic plan.

The same law also came into play when a magistrate probing a high-profile death ruled that the death could be one of three modes – homicidal, suicidal or accidental, leaving us to wonder what other methods there were that he had left out.

Civil servants of the discreet kind were equally baffled as to how to keep their wealth a secret. For, a recent ruling has held that a wife is entitled to know a Civil Servant’s pay.

And just when the Delhi drama was petering out the RBI, in a move to flush out black money and counterfeit notes, gave one half of India a way to find out how the other three-quarter lives. There is mad scramble from Madurai to Mathura and from Ahmedabad to Asansol as to how one can change hoarded piles of cash into the newly-defined legal tender.

You’ll be happy to note that technology has caught up with our very own masala dosa. In Madras it now costs around Rs 85 to get a decent MD, all because the hotels have tablets, finger-print scanners to mark attendance, etc., turning Saravana Bhavans into TIDEL Park lookalikes.

There was also a happy, although minor to some, end to this week. Don Bosco overcame a thriller of cricket match against Chettinad Vidyashram in an Under-16 match, despite the latter boasting a bowler who grabbed 4 for 23.

Calling 2014

Once considered to be a crucial battle between Narendra Modi’s credibility and leadership of Rahul Gandhi, it is becomingly clear that a Modi-led BJP government is pretty much assured. The emergence of AAP, now aggressively claiming a seat the national table, have skewed earlier assumptions of state election outcomes, pre- and post-election poll ties, etc.

But, by far and large, projections still favour of BJP, with the party securing a majority in many Northern states. Pro-BJP swings like the one witnessed in Rajasthan, a better bellwether than Delhi in the recent 5-state polls, are still centred around a Modi wave. So, interestingly BJP’s move to elect Modi as its PM-candidate has proven advantageous.

But we can no longer assume that BJP will gain a higher vote share from: 

•  Urban areas,  
•  Youth
•  Upper OBCs
•  A high voter turnout.

The past few days have shown AAP’s craving for a larger role. In fact nothing illustrates this desire than their daring Congress to take them on.

This gambit has only served to buttress the current negative sentiment against the Congress, especially on the voters who were disillusioned by issues such as corruption, inflation. The loss in Congress’s vote share will finally prove beneficial to the BJP.

In my view, the Congress has lost its ability to retain its 10% lead, in share of votes, over the BJP. And to assume Congress and its allies will make the 240-270 mark will mean that Congress will have to get 100-120. I don’t see that happening

As far as an NDA goes a plan for 272+ means BJP has to get 200 seats or more of the 320+ seats it has earmarked for concentrated campaigns. 

This is crucial. This too is difficult, but not improbable, because BJP plans, or has been forced, to fight alone, and will need post-poll ties. BJP’s fortunes will depend on UP & Bihar, This despite AAP staking a claim for Haryana and the plans of Nitish Kumar and Mayawati to go it alone.

Other Hindi heartland states, MP, Rajasthan, Chattisgarh, Maharashtra and Gujarat will all finally become part of the NDA-2014.

Maharashtra, though a stronghold of RSS, also has Pawar proving to be both a tough contender and finally a post-poll ally of BJP. Punjab will, I feel, end up on the same side as will TN, where the votes will go 65-35 to AIADMK-DMK.

AP and Telengana hold little cheer for either Congress or BJP, though BJP may be able to convince the Seemandhra MPs to support Modi.

Karnataka, Kerala, Bengal and J&K are more difficult to call, though for different reasons. J&K, whoever wins though Omar Abdullah’s chances are pretty bright, will not or can not afford to join the NDA boat. Karnataka despite Yeddurappa’s re-entrance may still go the Congress way completely. W. Bengal and Kerala present interesting pictures because of their ideological leanings, Congress's showing in the latter and the Mamata Bannerjee’s TMC stand.

So a 2014 avatar of NDA or Third Front dominating Government are both equally possible. But I strongly feel a BJP-led NDA government is more likely as BJP will win 155-170 seats. Post-poll attempts will attract coalition partners and finally 220 seats.

If BJP and its pre-poll partners get less than 200 the Third-Front becomes an important factor. If both Congress and BJP cannot manage to get the 273-mark, the former may still cobble a government. Of course, this will change if Congress meets the 100 seat expectations.

Above all events over the past four days, a BJP mission statement, Congress’s disinclination to put Rahul forward and the AAP’s aggressive posturing, will help BJP by drawing in more voters who are tired of socialist agendas. The hope of better governance will finally help BJP through.

A Mutt & Jeff Act on TV

Can anybody explain to me why there is so much airtime being given to Bangaru and Nityananda? The first has been indicted, along with his entire family, of scamming funds meant for education and the other for a host of reasons including the aborted takeover of Madurai Adheenam, a rich trove of Shaivaite lore. Both are still drawing huge crowds and this Nityananda chap wears so much gold that exceeds the dowry of my both my sisters. I am totally baffled as to how these two predators are managing to attract more and more people.

By the way there's a Mutt & Jeff comedy act on Angel TV (Channel 741 on Tata Sky). On Pongal day I return from a Kadri concert and caught the end of this comedy act, involving an ardent young chap, in the role of an interviewer, playing the straight man to an elderly chappie whose beard and silvery locks will soon grow to a decent length rivalling Isha's, or the ZZ Top guitarists. I digress.

The first question I heard was from the elderly chap: I saw you earlier walking around waving your hands. Why? he asks. To which the straight guy says: You were talking of the Tower of Babel. I was wondering whether the rooms were round or square. I had just then lit up a fag, so by the time I had choked out and cleared my lungs, I'd missed the answer.

But then there was plenty more material. I have met a couple of people, he declares, who have come back from visiting the Halls of Yeshuva (that's what he calls his Lord, don't know if he is talking about the Father or the Son) and Lucifer. Since I am pretty sure I will have need for knowledge on Lucifer who I'm pretty sure to meet up with some time soon, I thought I'd pay attention. Did you know, the elder asks with a straight face, that Lucifer's mansion is exactly like the Lord's? No says, the straight man. Yes, insists the line-stealer. His throne is exactly similar and he too has his assistants and goons around him just as Yeshuva. I'm pretty sure he meant minions but I think the sub-ed in charge of sub-titles struck out on that one.

By the time I had tried to figure out who would visit one, then the other and then return to earth, he was off again. This time he was talking on how 50% of France was made up of Muslims and that of London's citizens 40% were Muslims as well. Then, he declared, there were moves "to change London's name to Londonistan, like Pakistan" (the words within quotes are exactly as those on screen).

He also had joyous news for both Hindu and Muslims zealots. Churches and cathedrals were being bought over and converted to Temples and Mosques, he said.

Just as it had got intriguing, the show's air time was up. So he ended on a note that has been tantalising me since then. Talking about the Book of Revelations, he reminded the young man about the four horses that will emerge after the first four seals are broken. Where do horses come from, he asks to which the reply is Arabia. What are horses known for, he then asks. Speed, endurance and speed, says Mr. Bones. 

Ponder on these until we meet again, the elder tells both the interviewer and me. And on this intriguing note the show ended, leaving me with more questions than answers.

Cheers

Curiosities

I’ve been itching to write you more about the happenings in India for a week now. TGIF. Because issues started to rain down on us right from last Friday evening. A stand-up act first triggered an hour long debate on whether India had lost its sense of humour. All because a stand-up comedian made jokes on pregnancy and defecation. Imagine!!! Humour and India! Unthinkable!

The latter, involving a grimace, encouraged a Shakespeare fan to quote “Why do you make such faces? When all's done, You look but on a stool” (Macbeth III, iv). 

The former had women’s organisations up in arms. And one young lady asked for her opinion on the negative publicity said, “These things should be taken lightly. After all we have too few chances to smile.” She would soon rue her words.

Because the poll fever saw all sorts of loonies  crawling out of the woodwork, and the second act of l’affaire Khobragade was underway. 

According to a news report an internal e-mail sent by the American School to its teachers here has asked them to be “economical with the truth about their visa status”. More than the suggestion, it is the government’s ability to read an email meant for American eyes that has had our patriots jumping up and down in joy. Parity at last is they cry.

Even as the week was in danger of being overwhelmed by mere politics, joy was in the offing for us. Congress Minister Shashi Tharoor suddenly found himself accused of an extra-marital affair conducted over Twitter with a Pakistani journalist.  BJP was stumped. Do they denounce the affair, or the fact that it was with a Pakistani?

A hectic flurry of tweets by the husband, wife and the other woman, charges of espionage and cyber stalking, threat of a divorce, and finally a happy ending for the couple. Bollywood would have been proud.

But Mr Tharoor would do the world, and specifically me, if he disclosed how he managed an affair on the Twitter. Am really curious about doing the cyber quickie. Mails to him have produced no results.

Meanwhile, India has quietly opened up a new Services Sector. The Govt. has allowed foreign couples to bring in frozen human embryos and rent a surrogate womb in India for the baby to be born. This, the Govt. said, will help increase medical tourism, whatever that is. But please note that as with anything concerning the Govt. a No Objection Certificate is required.

Why the Govt. has claimed its share of glory, and that too in an election year, is largely due to the fact it doesn’t know how exactly to tax the process. Will it be a service tax? Could Value added taxes apply? Maybe both?

Also, huge strides have been reported in the medical field. Our doctor mates maybe bitter to note that their studies may have been in vain. 

A plethora of doctors in Tamil Nadu, without one day of medical instruction, have come up with ingenious ways to cure people. All pain is due to defective a bone structure, one worthy says. You go to him with a migraine, he will say your skull is defective. Back problems- you guessed it, something wrong with your spine. For a paltry Rs 500 (less than $10) he will feel up and down the afflicted area and spit a stone out to be placed there. And voila you are cured. You can keep track of him and this group and advise our mates accordingly.

Our week was also filled with court rulings against a copyright on yoga, restrictions on media coverage of stories involving judges and a mass murder of monkeys.

On the positive side, a new hero has emerged amongst the maamis in TN. Velkudi Krishnan, a Chartered Accountant who renounced his skills to expound the beauty of Thirupaavai, Ramayanam and Bharatham in beautiful Thamizh.

Weekly Bulletin

Dear Kumar: Saw your mail about 15 minute news-bites on India. Was much moved. But things are going swimmingly here, bar a few hiccups. Luckily the Shia-Sunni conflict you were interested in has not yet spilled over into Hindustan. But there is time still so do not lose hope.

There are early symptoms of a pretty nasty virus, known in some circles as poll fever. So everybody is kind of busy here. It has even affected our Prime Minister, who we all thought had attained the serenity of a Zen monk. You may find this hard to believe - he actually held a press conference. His second (or third) IN TEN YEARS. And he has even begun to say that there could have been some mistakes in the allocations of coal blocks.

In case you are wondering what that is, it is just one of those minor things that happened during his last stint as PM, along with some unkind (and downright slanderous) reports on financial irregularities in Adarsh Housing, Commonwealth Games, 2G Spectrum and so on.

But to be fair to Mr Singh he is after all answerable to the de facto ruler of India, Mr Rahul Gandhi. While his father only kicked out the country’s Foreign Secretary in a televised press meet, Mr Rahul has gone further, much further, turning down a bill which his party had shepherded through Parliament and generally donning the cloak of an extra-constitutional authority. Could be there is some Sicilian blood in him.

Mr Rahul has also provided some much needed comedy relief. Addressing business magnates and industry leaders he said poverty and corruption are holding back development. By having seen this after a mere ten year rule of his party he has shown signs of a wise head on young shoulders. He definitely gets my vote for being the one-eyed man among (and hence the king of) blind men. And now, after the events in Delhi where an upstart upstaged his party, he is getting a multi-crore PR make-over for the polls.

There is cheery news on other fronts too. Our electronic media, led by the calm and fair minded Mr Arnab Goswami, provide us 24 hour breaking news. They have hit upon an ingenious idea – select a 10 second, or shorter, film and loop it endlessly. Loads of fun.

Our elected representatives are doing their job in a splendid way. For instance, MLAs from Karnataka have planned a visit to the rain forests of South America to study ways to help their drought hit state.

However, they have been preempted by a group from Uttar Pradesh that has gone on a fact-finding trip to some Commonwealth countries only to find out that they have been misled and are in EU cities instead. A ten day party, complete with dancing movie stars including M F Hussain’s dream girl, is enthralling UP whilst a short distance away some irresponsible people are crying for blankets and housing to protect their children from freezing cold.

Meanwhile the redoubtable Mr Modi has become evangelical in his fervour to alter India’s future. Never mind niggling doubts of his cobbling together a minority government and that his party’s agenda is the same as that of the Congress. He will change India or hell will freeze over.

Oh wait, that has already happened right, in Michigan?

Hope this missive finds you in good health and of good cheer. Otherwise just let me know, and I will send more news on wholesome subjects like a family feud in Tamil Nadu, how the burden of proof has shifted to the accused, and how a Communist party leader made a bed of currency just because he wanted know how it felt like to sleep on money. And above all on how a father angered by charges made by his daughter’s maid is threatening to derail the diplomatic ties between India and USA.